Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Bitch on My Back

For several days now, I've been feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.  Not to mention, I've poked and prodded my husband's unending patience with my bitchiness.  I mean, you would think after finally getting the news that I will be in Kuwait with my adoring husband next month, that I would be on cloud 9 right?  Not so much.  It's not that I'm not grateful for everything good that's come to me, it's just that lately I've been feeling tired, crappy and weighed down... like I have a bitch on my back.  And I guess that bitch is PMS.  

I've been dealing with this bitch for several days now.  I've tried drinking a little wine, eating salt and vinegar chips and indulging in chocolate.  (my usual monthly remedy).  None of that worked this month.  I even got off my lazy ass and hit the gym.  I over worked myself and was so stiff that I could hardly bend my legs and arms for a few days.  So I booked a  90 minute hot stone massage with my massage therapist.  I told him that my stress level was high and to hit me hard with the hot stones.  During my treatment, I asked him to press harder with the hot stones and I made a joke that I really needed him to beat the bitch of my back.  I never talk much during a massage except to tell the therapist where I ache, but this time I told him that I was having trouble crossing all the lists off in my head and that I was PMS-ing badly.  He said that he could relate to the lists in my head and that he would pray for me... pray for my peace.   At that moment, he was digging a hot stone in my back and forcing my resistant muscles to relax, but it was as if he literally spoke peace into my spirit and I began to cry.  Quietly, and softly at first, but then I asked for a tissue and began to sob and blow snot and sob.  I told him that I wasn't crazy and that I was glad to cry.  He said that emotional therapy is a big part of massage and that's what it's mostly for.  I cried a little more and said, " I am not perfect, and I can't do everything."  I realized that the bitch on my back was me.  I've been working too hard, achieving goals, planning, doing, creating... but not resting my mind and my spirit.  I'm glad I took the time to listen to me.  So, one thing at a time.  One thought at a time.  I am not perfect.  But I m perfectly happy with who I am.  And I am in need of a siesta.  I am looking forward to joining my husband and landing in the sand on June 11th.


Anonymous said...

Hi Butterfly, I enjoyed our session at Mass. E. I also enjoyed being included in a blog about my therapy. I remember coming home after that hot stone session and telling my wife that I had a breakthrough with a client that day. It takes a more that a little trust given for someone to have an emotional release on the massage table like that and all we as therapist feel a profound honor to share that with you. thank you --Bradford

Butterfly on the Wall said...

You were worth talking about, Brad. You know your stuff, you're professional and you have a spiritual gift that should be shared. Thanks for loving what you do. See you when I get back to the states!